I hate the fucking washing machine and to keep balance in the world, it hates me back.
I overstuff it with all kinds of crap, hoping it will wash everything I put in, whether that be one t-shirt or twenty.
I treat it like a slave and I am the master of the manor, expecting it to do what it's told, to quiver before the orders I spit in its direction.
And it punishes me by dying my white Efterklang t-shirt grey, my beige Bonnie Prince Billy t-shirt blue and various other items a colour not too far away from the original but far enough away that it just looks a bit 'off'.
Then when it begins to wash, it makes horrendous clunking and whirring noises like it's blurting out, in a bastardised Johnny 5 voice, 'Adam, come and look at me, I'm about to burst and spill your formerly-known-as-white t-shirts all over the floor'.
Clunk, clunk, parp, toot, rattle and eventually crrrrash.
I do go and look and I stand like an idiot waiting for the fateful click so I can open the door and then see there is nothing wrong. It mocks me.
I hate you, washing machine.
I've also just discovered that the dog intensely dislikes me singing along to the new Antony and the Johnsons song, 'Epilepsy is Dancing', which I am singing alot at the moment.
It gives me a chance to do frighteningly warbly acrobatics with my vocal chords.
I put on a fabulous falsetto, a kind of English accent, a wobbly vocal effect and sing the already strange lyrics while prancing about the kitchen in a fey, highly questionable ballerina dance that I imagine Antony and his Johnsons might do if they were performing it in my house.
'Caaaaaaht me eeeeeen quadraaaaantssss, leeeeeave me in da cwornnaaaaaahhhh'
Try it, it's fun, I can assure you. Very liberating.
Finally, I saw a great headline (yes, being a sub ed makes me a headline nerd) the other day, from an American paper I think.
It was a picture of a forlorn looking 12 or 13 year-old boy, in black & white, and the headline was:
BULLY NOT SO TOUGH AFTER BEING MOLESTED
Methinks the sub editor was, possibly, bullied at some stage, no?
And lastly, it's my birthday tomorrow so I shall leave you with the song I shall be listening to: Run DMC's Peter Piper. Download it. It's a classic.
46 minutes ago