4 minutes ago
Sunday, August 10
Tim Hortons vs Insomnia
Now, for those of you who might know me, I like coffee. Alot. Living in Ireland in the present day, it has become as commonplace as pyjamas in a Ringsend newsagent to see a Spar on every corner of every suburb/main street of this godless island.
Spar have an uncanny knack of not just inflating the prices but of doing so at a rate that would make you wonder if Mugabe has somehow managed to transpose his country's particular brand of inflation by some kind of osmosis (I saw a jar of instant coffee for 8euros in the Rathmines Spar earlier this year).
But we all know how expensive Spar is and everyone needs to buy toilet roll at unusual times of the night...which they only ever seem to have in packets of four for 6 euro or else you can buy the Spar 'own brand' of two rolls in a packet - which is like wiping your arse with the party hat from a cheap Christmas cracker.
Anyway, Spar in the UK struck a deal to have Tim Hortons coffee and doughnuts available in some of their outlets earlier this year and this has now spread to Ireland.
Here is the problem.
Tim Hortons coffee is fucking disgusting.
Previously, many Spars provided Insomnia coffee, which is quite nice from actual Insomnia branches and not bad from the little machines they had in the Spars. These seem to have been removed and replaced with Tim Hortons shit-vending units (named as such because they vend shit, but if not properly maintained they probably become shit too).
When you press the little button on the Tim Hortons machine, there is a fart of steamed water and then a shit-brown syrup concoction blurps into the cup mixing with the water. It doesn't look like coffee, smell like coffee or taste like coffee.
And in the morning, I really want a decent cup of coffee.
So if you are reading this Tim Horton; fuck off back to Canada and take your freeze-dried doughnuts with you.
I know this post is a real 'I'm so middle-class my Guardian is about to burst into flames with my frustration' thing but just give me a real cup of coffee in the morning. Please.